Broaching the subject of sex is always difficult for parents. How do you explain sex to your child without it getting too uncomfortable or embarrassing for both of you.
Woo Pei Jun, lecturer/developmental psychologist at Sunway University College says, “Usually with very young kids we would recommend that parents do it and not someone else. First talk to the children about body parts. Obviously we would ask parents to name the body parts using developmentally appropriate words for the child. Some people even start at pre-school. If you have a pre-school child, you might call it pee-pee instead of penis. For older children you would use penis and vagina as they would be able to understand it better.
“It starts with naming body parts generally and then proceed to telling them which are the private parts. Then later you might want to talk a bit about private versus public behaviour because we know that young children, pre-schoolers, do notice a difference when they go to school. These are boys and these are girls. How are we different? They start exploring and it's normal for them to explore so parents shouldn't be alarmed.
“We need to take caution, to explain to them when you can display your body parts and when you can't, what is private and what is public. That should be made clear to them. Young children will actually explore their private parts so parents shouldn't say 'No!' in a sense but should limit them as to when they can do it in private places such as when they're taking a bath or on their own in their room but not in public places."
Woo says this will help children distinguish between private and public. Later on parents might want to touch on rules – what is acceptable and what is not, when it is acceptable to explore your body parts, and whether it is all right to touch other people's body parts or let them touch yours. This should be done preferably before the child starts school. Some people start as young as four years old – just talking about the anatomy.
Briefly the four areas Woo says parents should talk to their children about are:
- Body parts and their names.
- What is private and what is public.
- Acceptable behaviour in public/private.
- The rules.
She advises parents to talk to their children on these four areas not only to ensure their children know appropriate behaviour but also for safety reasons.
According to Woo, some parents ask if it's normal for their child to rub their private parts.
“At two years old they start doing this. It's normal because they're just exploring. They probably don't know what it is. It's not sexual. It's just normal development that we see in children. At two years old they don't know what it is. At four, they're curious and they explore especially if they see a brother or sister and realise that their body is different.
“If you notice them exploring quite a bit then you may want to talk to them about when it's okay and when it's not okay. Some parents may take showers or baths with their children and at that point (if they're exploring too much) you may want to ask yourself if you're exposing too much of these things to the child.
“In western cultures it might be all right for parents and children of the same sex to take showers together because there when they grow up they change in front of each other in locker rooms. But in Asia I think it's a bit more traditional. If that's your family value then you may not want to take showers with your children and when you go to the toilet you may want to close the door and when you change you may want to close the bedroom door.
“It would also teach them the habit of closing the door when they go to the toilet,” she says.
Woo adds that parents should get concerned if despite setting limits, the child still goes on playing with their private parts in public, flashing or masturbating. That's when parents might want to seek professional help.
She recommends parents see a healthcare provider or a paediatrician. Some psychologists may also deal with it. The professional would help the parents find out the reason for the child's behaviour.
If parents see their child playing with their private part, they should react calmly and not start screaming.
“You want to set limits and act calmly but you don't want to start screaming because if you give too much attention to that you're also indirectly communicating that it's wrong and taboo. This makes them think that either it's abnormal or they can't get your attention by doing all those things or it creates a sense of guilt that it's something wrong and they may not ask you questions anymore on those issues. That means you're cutting off the communication lines. So you don't want to over-react. React calmly and tell them that it's not all right to do it in public and it's not okay to show your body to other people or your friends except when mummy and daddy say it's okay for example to show the doctor.
“If you over-react, you may cut off the communication lines and they may get this information from other people. The child may also think they're going to be punished and it's a bad thing. But it's not; it is normal behaviour. If children are made to feel really bad and evil about it then that's not healthy development. Emotionally they may repress exploring and talking about it. And that's not good because if they don't have the information, then they won't know the consequences and they may do something wrong and get pregnant or sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs),” she says.
Woo recommends parents explain sex to their children when the child starts asking questions. The key is not to do one lecture. It's too much for the children to deal with. So as they ask you can educate them on the different sections of the subject.
“For young children, you might want to explain to them in general terms, but usually they will ask you where do babies come from. You can talk about that generally. Sometimes parents have difficulty talking about it. In which case you can use children's books. There are children's books available that illustrate that as well. You can use the books to help name body parts as well.
“So you can talk about where babies come from. Later on you can also talk about pregnancy. If you have a relative who is pregnant or if the mother is pregnant you can take the opportunity to explain that there's a baby inside and this is called pregnancy.
“Make it simple for very young children. For older kids you can talk a bit more. Sometimes parents find it difficult to talk about it. But attempt it and always open the door for discussion. The children may not ask you all the questions at one go at that time in one session. They may come back and ask you one question a few days or weeks later.
“Usually for the pre-teens you can start talking about pregnancy,” she says.
Woo adds that it's best if the information about sex comes from the parents.
If you give the child the impression that it's not okay to talk about sex with you, it will close the communication lines. The child will be more at risk then because being curious they will seek answers from someone else. They could ask the wrong person or even get the wrong information from friends.
“It's better if the parents approach the topic. At least you know what kind of information you're giving your child and what they know.
“Some people also recommend talking to pre-teens about relationships in preparation of boy-girl relationships. Teenagers have boy-girl relationships so you may want to talk about peer pressure, boy-girl relationship and what are really true friends.
“Those are more advanced topics to prepare pre-teens. When they're teenagers they would have already heard something from school or learnt from their friends. So, you may want to attempt to approach these topics before they become teenagers, perhaps when they're nine or 10.
“When they're at that age it's also a good time to talk about body changes and puberty. For girls that would be the breasts and what is menstruation,” says Woo.
Often parents are worried that by explaining sex to their child, they might encourage their child to have sex.
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